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Tuesday, March 26, 2013

HOly....

Holy sh*t (literally), WHAT just happened?!  My house looks like a crime scene... but with poop.  Beau was playing and we were gearing up for his nap time when I noticed he smelled of poo.  I was excited (like most parents at this stage of the game) that he'd done a good one (based on the smell anyway) because it had been a few days and I was waiting for it.  He's new with the whole solids thing so we're adjusting to a different "poop schedule", and the consistency of the poop itself of course changes things.  SO... I wet a washcloth and Beau and I headed toward his room when I noticed something dried and crusty in the hallway floor.  I turned on the light and saw what appeared to be poop!  One of our dogs must have left a present and daddy apparently didn't notice.... and walked through it... and then proceeded to track the smushed poo down the hall.  Ugh... ok, note to self: come clean the hall after Beau is in bed.  So I laid him down on the daybed, opened his diaper, and much to my surprise (again basing the size of his product off of the 'full' smell) there was a mere dollop of doodoo.  {Now that song "Do a dollop, do-do a dollop of doodoo" is stuck in my head}.  Anyway,  I took a little toilet paper (I keep a roll by the changing station and follow with the warm washcloth.  This seems to help prevent irritation on his little bum rather than using a bunch of wipes), raised his legs, and OH... not a dollop at all! Apparently this one made it's way up the back of his diaper rather than front.  Yay Beau!  Great poop! We've had plenty of poop-up-the-back-of-the-diaper situations so no biggie.  Sometimes it comes out onto his clothes, which it looked like it had done, so I started taking his arms out of his PJ's since we'd have to change those too.  At this point he got fussy... so he flipped over onto his belly into the open diaper. Great. But I couldn't even worry about that because what I saw next stunned me. That sh*t (again, literally) went ALLLLLL the way up to his shoulder blades.  Oh. My. God. And this isn't that nice thin breast milk poop that wipes up in a swipe or 2.  This is like thick, muddy, carrots.  I tried to take some toilet paper to it... worthless.  Then I go for the warm washcloth... barely made a dent. Smeared it really. At this point his heels are in it, it's on his cheek, and now it's on his hand.  Not just any hand... no no, it's on his favorite thumb sucking hand.  The fussing is in full force now while I'm trying to figure out how the heck I'm gonna get this cleaned up, and I see that hand just twitching to head towards his mouth.  It was like the slow-mo voice "NOOOOO NOOOTTT YOUUUURRRR THUUMMMMBBBB" rang out into the room.  I grabbed his hand in time and scooped him up into my arms.  His "changing station" is on the daybed in his room and I'm often lazy and don't put down a changing pad first. This time was no different. So The doodoo is all over the bed, all over his PJ's, and the diaper is open and strewn off to the side with the toilet paper and the muddy washcloth.  My forearm is completely orange from his thick doodoo back on me, my clothes are smeared with it, and I'm off toward the bath with a naked poopy baby in tow.  As I'm clutching him like a slippery mud wrestler in one arm, I'm trying to get his bath ready and check the temperature.  Oh,  somehow I'm also keeping that thumb out.  (Amazing how these things always happen when Daddy's extra set of hands are nowhere to be found!)  And then I felt something really warm and realized Beau peed all over me.  Not kidding. But at this point I think, "eh, why not?!".  After what feels like ages, I get him in the tub.  Within like 2 minutes of trying to get him washed off, the water is completely orange.  Once the thick mud layer is off his body, I still feel like he has a poop film on him from the water... so I hoist him back into one arm, slipperier now than ever, while I dump out the tub and refill it with clean water.  Wondering when John Quinones is going to pop out and tell me I'm actually on "What would you do", I finally get him into a normal, clear, bath.... and breathe a sigh of relief.  

He's currently napping.  The hallway floor is still crusty.  I'm sitting here damp and we have a checkup at the Dr. in 30 minutes.  For those who think stay-at-home moms sit around and eat BonBon's while watching soaps... well, here ya go :)

And I realize I'm not the first to have a poop explosion in their life.  This was just the first for ME that was at about a 9.0 on the richter scale.  I wonder if it would be inappropriate to roll into the Dr's office at 11am with wine on my breath?!

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